Jou-chan’s and The Men They Love…

by: Kagayaki Ame


A/N: Lots of irreverence! Lots of profanity! (it is a talk show) Lots of OOC-ness! (not immediate for all characters, but you can bet it will happen, oh-ho-ho-ho!) Lots of Kagayaki’s alter ego Geminian weirdness, insanity, and, lets face it, stupidity! Trust me, this is really over the top…


Last warning!! Turn back now!!!!!



Too late…


Segment One:


(Applause and cheesy talk show music ensues…)

Maury: Hello, welcome to the show. Today’s topic is Jou-chan’s and the men they love who used to be ex- battousai manslayers/murderers and their assorted group of friends, that can also be called enemies, who either want them to be together or are trying to break them up because they think he’s too old for her but the reason he’s hesitating is because he’s too consumed with his own damn problems to consider the poor Jou-chan’s, who can, at times, be a real bitch because she beats him and forces him to do housework which is why he may or may not be sleeping with the fox-lady doctor who’s supposed to be getting with the spiky haired freeloader that’s the battousai’s best friend probably only because he can kick his ass and on top of that, there’s an insane man in the middle of it all; and we are going to be bringing out an unusual group of people. Our first guest is a seventeen-year-old girl who is in love with an older man. Please welcome Kamiya Kaoru.

(Applause and cheers)

Kaoru: (enters stage left and waves to the crowd. Sits cheerfully next to Maury)

Maury: Hello, Kaoru, welcome to the show.

Kaoru: Thanks for having me.

Maury: Now, Kaoru, tell us about your situation with…(looks at teleprompter) Kenshin, is it?

Kaoru: (blushes slightly) well, he’s a rurouni who’s been living at my dojo for a few years now and we’ve become very close friends. Every time I get kidnapped or nearly raped he saves me. (smiles)

(Audience aww’s sweetly)

Maury: So what’s the problem?

Kaoru: (begins crying and sniffling. Maury produces tissue) well… I really, really love him but he doesn’t seem to return my feelings. I do everything I can to show him I love him, I mean, I let him prepare my bath, my meals, I let him shop for me, clean for me… I mean, I know he’s a rurouni ex-battousai manslayer/murderer who’s already had and lost the love of his life but, dammit, nobody can love that little redheaded man like I can!

(Audience aww’s sadly)

Maury: (Rubs her back) It’s okay. It’s okay. Well, Kaoru, he’s here today. We invited him and so we’re gonna bring him out now, okay?

Kaoru: (Blows nose loudly) O-kay…

Maury: Okay. Everyone please welcome Himura Kenshin to the show.

(Applause followed by fanatic screams and faints as Kagayaki Ame and other RK fanfic otakus fall to the floor in disbelief that THE battousai stands before them. Memories of anna-neko’s The Fire’s of Amber cause many a female nosebleed. Hope you don’t mind, anna-chan *^.~*)

Kenshin: (Blushes slightly at the female reaction and sits down shaking Maury’s hand) Hi Maury.

Maury: Welcome, Kenshin. Now you were backstage. You heard what Kaoru had to say. Do you have anything to say in response?

Kenshin: (Looks deep into Kaoru’s eyes. Shojo otaku fanfic authoresses faint taking mental notes for upcoming fics.) Kaoru-dono, I know you…

Kaoru: (wails) That’s what I’m talking about, Maury! He calls me -dono!!

Kenshin: Don’t cry, Kaoru-dono…

Maury: (To the wailing Kaoru) Kaoru, tell Kenshin what you want from him, he seems very confused…

Kaoru: I want him to let me love him and love me. Or at least tell me how he feels! I can’t take the stress. I don’t know why he won’t just tell me if he loves me or not…

Megumi: (bursts in from stage left screaming and cursing) That’s because he’s my man, bitch! You need to stop fawning all over him! He don’t want you!! He’s all up in my shit!! (yay, ghetto Megumi!)

(Crowd gasps then goes into an uproar. Chaos ensues…)

Kenshin: Orororororororoooo?!?!?!?!?!?!? (otakus faint at his kawaii-ness) Megumi-dono?!?!

Kaoru: (Gets up and wields the ever effective talk show weapon: a chair.) What did you say to me, bitch?! I will fuck you up!!!!

Megumi: Oh, hell no! Hell no!! You heard me, bitch! Give me a chair! Give me a ***damn chair!! I’m about to get all up in your ass with this shit!

(A cat fight erupts… or rather a tanuki/fox fight erupts, chairs are thrown, audience members cheer and yell and Maury and Kenshin try to calm the girls down. Eventually Kaoru storms off stage followed by Kenshin and the stage director trying to coax her back. Maury gives Megumi a seat on the other side of the stage)

Maury: (Over Megumi’s curses) Hold on! Hold on! SHUT-UP!! (she quiets folding her arms defiantly) Now, you’re Takani Megumi, right?

Megumi: Yes! And that bitch Kaoru needs to re-cog-nize, okay?! Kenshin is my man!

Maury: Hold on now, I didn’t ask you all of that. Now what’s your story? What’s your problem?

Megumi: First of all, okay, Kaoru is too young for Kenshin, okay! I know how to take care of a man like him!…(audience yells comments)(to a specific obnoxious member) No, fuck you, okay?! You don’t know me! You don’t know me!! Shut the fuck up! Shut.. Your momma!! Shut the fuck up, you ugly ass bitch ass muthafucka!

Maury: Okay, enough! Calm down! (everyone settles. Consults with stage director) Kaoru has agreed to come back. (Audience applauses) Can I trust you to remain calm, Megumi?

Megumi: (Crosses her arms again) psht! Whatever, man!

Maury: (walks over to Kenshin and Kaoru shaking his head) Now, Kenshin, I don’t know what’s going on now but I’m sure we’ll find out later. But I do know that it looks like you need to clear up some confusion here…

Kenshin: (Looks at Megumi then Kaoru sighs and gets down on one knee) Kaoru, I want to know if…

(Audience goes wild at sight of ring. Megumi walks off the stage cursing, Kaoru’s about to cry, otakus faint)

Kenshin: … if you’ll marry me?

Kaoru: (eyes sparkling) Yes I wi…

Enishi: (bursts in from stage left screaming) Oh, hell no! I will be damned! Over my dead fucking body! This is not happening! (lunges at Kenshin who is knocked over. Fighting ensues…)

Kaoru: Kenshin! Enishi! Stop!!

Maury: We have to take a short break, but we’ll be back after these messages…

(Cheesy talk show music takes you into a Toonami commercial for the midnight run…)


To be continued…

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A/N: I told you it was awful! So what? Should I continue? Stop here now? This fic’s future will be determined by the reader’s (that’s you) response as I don’t wish to continue making an ass of myself if that be the case *^.~*…